Happy Fourth Of July
by Eogrus
Summary: I'm not american but I wrote this to celebrate.


It was a very happy day in the America. Everyone was celebrating the fourth of July under a beautiful sky of rainblow blues and placid suns, all the streets were filled with wonderous parades where people were carrying guns and shooting at random. An autistic child was shot in the head and died a slow and mentally retarded death as she spasmed violently, but no one cared because everyone was just so happy. The streets were full of ice creams trucks and hot dog vendors and candy cotton was sold in abundance. Lots of giant floaties of Abraham Lincoln, Uncle Sam, Malcom X and Hamburgers paraded about, though most were shot by the guns. Above, a majestic bald eagle soared and cried the magnanimous cry of the houses of holy, before being shot down and turned into nuggets. And, finally, the Pentagon stood proud and glorious, completely covered in chantilly and confettis and full of roses and bows to look pretty. With all this beauty and happiness Captain America could not help but feel extremely proud in his much big a heart of valentine pride.

"What a glorious day to be american!" cried Steve Rogers with tears of happiness in his eyes and most exuberant patriotic flavour in his enormous delicious chest bigger than his head.

All the people waved back and welcomed their most generous and courageous hero, and everything was good. But suddenly a horrid eldritch gong was heard, and the guns began to explode! Everyone's hands were hacked off, the mental and bone shards flying into their face, necks or ribcages, viciously tearing the flesh from their bones or piercing through and disrupting the brave hearts in lamentations of luminescent dreams. The cotton candy and the hotdogs were covered by blood, bile and undigested poop from the people's internal organs, and the once brilliant and white Pentagon was painted by the unhole hues of RED.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Capatain America sadly because the common BLOOD of the people made the streets communist, "Who could have done such a horrible thing!?"

Then he heard an evil laughter, and he turned above. On top of the Pentagon, drenched in all the BLOOD, was...SAILOR MOON!

"HIHIHIHIHI you amelicans sharr arr DIE and North Kolea will WIN!" said the evil korean gurl Tsukino Usagi with her enormous buckteeth and her revealing slutful uniform that was completely indecent for a little girl but it was perfectly okay back in Korra because the age of consent there is probably 3 or something. Her eyes were very slinty and untrustworthy, she looked just like a rat wearing a blonde wig.

"You filthy chink commie terrorist nazi fascist anarchist socialist you will pay for your sins against the god-nation of AMURICA!" shouted Captain America angrily, throwing his shield at the odious Sailor Moon.

But then he had an electric shock, because behind him was PIKACHU! It took Steve Rogers a minute to realise that it wasn't a korean "person" but an actual rodent.

"Ching chong!" said Pikachu onomatopeianly.

He then fired another blast of litghing, but Captain America was prepared and did used the wings on his helmet to reflect a sunbeam back at him, killing the detestful yellow (geddit) rat. Sailor Moon growled evilly with her coarse oriental vocal cordes like an ancient eastern gong, and then she grabbed the shield and turned it upside down to be her Taoist alchemichical cauldron. Then she put on it many herbs, rhinoceros horns, tiger testicles, panda livers and other body parts from endangered animals because asians hate life.

"Cho Chang Yin Yang, may this Shinto potion of the Buddha convelt America to communism HIHIHIHIHI!" laughed Serena, dripping her cancerous saliva everywhere due to her rodent buckteeth.

Just then, a mist appeared and a giant korean dragon flew in the sky. It opened teletransportation portals to Pyongyang, and out of it came all the Pokemon, Digimon, Yu-Gi-Oh cards, Mon Colle Knights, Gundams, Squirrel & Hedgehog characters and other korean troops hellbent on destroying Amurica!

"HAW HAW HAW ARR YOUR COUNTLY IS BERONG TO US!" said evilly CATS, before he drove off and crashed into the White House because koreans are bad drivers.

Captain America could only fall to his knees in despair. In a matter of seconds all of the United States of America were overun by korean tropes, all the giant robots and monsters and pirates and magical girls and ninjas evolved and combined into a giant lawn mower, grinding all the buildings and american citizens to DEATH. Soon, the once prosperous nation of celebrations was converted into a massive wasteland of grinded cement paste made from everything caught by the lawn mower blades - that were shaped like giant buckteeth -, especially the children. Steve Rogers cried manly tears of pure testosterone, matting down his face in thick, pus-like streams. It was as if his eyes were ejecting putrid fat, that made his face reek like a decomposing corpse of a shark stuck inside a marinade beverage of fading lucidity like a cannon's dying dream.

"Oh America, I failed you" cried sadly the most courageous and manly hero as his nation became foul with the odour of a thousand rice balls (that are actually donuts/sandwiches)

But in the bottomless pit of despair, a light shone still, a strong UV radiation that gave Captain America cancer in his face, quickly covered by tumours. Could this be it? Could there still be hope for America!?

"My son, you cannot give in to 10,000 years of squinty eyed darkness" said a wonderous and illuminous (geddit) voche...SUNFIRE!

"OFMG BUT YOU ARE KOREAN YOU CHINK RAT!?" said Captain America angrily.

"Yes, I was" said Sunfire ashamed, "but I saw how mediocre my nation was and I converted to the glorious side of America."

And Capatain America understood, seeing that Sunfire went to great pains to become american, he cut his buckteeth in half and did surgery to his eyes so that they appeared bigger and NORMAL and to the vocal cords so he could get the "r"s and "l"s right and altered his genetic code to be 100% white and changed the odious yellow colour of his skin with a paintbrush. And so Steve Rogers could not help but be filled with a great patriotic brotherhood pride, and hugged his dearest friend. But then he got sad.

"Sunfire, our nation is lost. We ca do nothing more for Amurica."

"No, Steve Rigers, we can. When the brittish wanted to take over, did America not fight back? When the Alamo happened did we not kill? When the terrorirsts took out the towers did we not destroy thousands of lives in return? America never gives up, never stops fighting for its freedom, will never knows peace. We are not COMMIES, Captain America, so we must honour Uncle Sam and kill those fucking asian bastards!"

Steve Rogers could not help but cry once more at such massive words of wisdom from his american brother Sunfire. And, as if on cue, a glorious bald eagle flew in the skies, crying once more the holy sound of american will, of the unwillingness to surrender, of the lack of desire to unsucceed. In the skies the clouds shaped into Uncle Sam, giving a courageous wink to our heroes. Yes, Captain America will win, yes, America will survive.

"You chink bastards will now DIE!" said Captain America, and he raised his shield into the sky.

The evil giant lawnmower paused, it was evil with all the souls of the americans trapped inside, their faces screaming in horrendous agony on its filthy north korean metal surface. Before it could react, Sunfire shone his light powers into the shield, and so a massive sunbeam appeared, melting the horrible monstruosity to death.

"No, you firthy amuricans wirr surrender light NOW!" gritted Sailor Moon with her rotten buckteeth like a rat gnawing on stolen food, and she raised her evil wand.

She then fired a moonbeam, but Sunfire intercepted and fired it back at her. The Sun is always stronger and more powerful than the Moon, without the holy star the piece of rock is NOTHING, so he grabbed her by her pony tails and threw her into the outer space, where her bodily fluids boiled her to death. At last, the most hateful sailor senshi the Serena Usagi exploded in a thousand bloody pieces in the heavenly darkness of the void. And so the day seemed to be saved, and Steve Rogers rouse his chest proudly like the american he was.

"Captain America, look out!" said Sunfire, pushing him out of the way.

From the interdimensional portal came a blast of blue white energy that hit Sunfire right in the heart, and he fell down!

"NOOOOOOO!" said Steve Rogers, grabbing his beloved fallen comrade with his tender man hands.

"T-tell America that I love it" said Sunfire with his dying breath before he DIED.

Then an evil laughter came above them, the most detestful hymn of Korea. And so, flying above them, came the true menace, the horrible dictator of Korea that oppressed millions, that shed a thousand blood drops, that sent the troops to murder America, that wanted to spread hate and misery through every corner of the Earth, until all light and goodness was gone from the entire universe. Evil pulsed, darkness flooding the air and making all the flowers die.

"Hehehehe your tlaitoh fliend is dead! Soon you wirr be NEXT, Captain Amurica!" said...CAILLOU!

Captain America was shocked. The little canadian kid the Caillou betrayed his nation and converted to Korea, he did a surgery to replace his teeth with those of a beaver (admitely not something hard for a canadian), he had sewn his eyes shut with a black thread and changed his DNA to that of an asian, the resulting change causing tons of tumours and rotten necrosis flesh throught his disgusting body. His body reeked of decay and death, an immense aura of pure blackness awashing the air and making everything go dead.

"But why?" asked Captain America, shocked that such a sweet lentil kid would become such a monster.

"I discoveled that I had telminar cancel, so in my glief I decided to abandon Canada and take ovel Kolea!" answered Caillou the horrendous tyrant king, "Now I am the god-king of ASIA, but because of my disease I cannot live fol long. So if I can't live, arr of the wolrd will die and shale my miselabre PAIN folevel in HERR!"

"But what happened to Kim Jong?" asked Steve Rogers confusedly.

"I kirred and ate him and his famiry with a spoon and a folk! Now I absolbed theil POWEl and sharr kirr arr of the univelse! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And so Caillou focused all his chi and went super-sayain, his cancerous flesh becoming muscular and his bald deformed head growing blondie hair. Such a tragedy, that a young boy almost found a cure to his illness, yet was so blind that he chose the path of darkness and communism over freedom and theocracy. Captain America knew that he was beyond reasoning, that he could not be stopped, but he was still a child and it was an unamerican thing to kill such a young soul, even if he turned to the Far East. So in his moment of need, he kneeled and prayed, asking for an answer to his predicament to the highest powers above.

"Oh presidents, what can I do?" implored Steve Rogers devotedly in a real american religious sense.

And so a brilliant light glowed, and before him stood proud and tenderly the father of all America, Gegorge Washington. He was more beautiful than Steve Rogers had ever seen in the pictures, holding a fried chicken in his left hand and a machine gun on his right, with a hat on his head that had a coke on his right and a pepsi on his left, connected to his mouth by red straws.

"My beloved son Steve Rogers, you are brave and strong like no other american" said Geogre Washington proudly, "You are a true creationist that does not allow the evil darkness of science get in the way of truth and justice and the american way. You will win no matter what, and Korea will die. Now go forth and make America proud!"

And so George Washington shot his machine gun into the air and instead of bullets there were fireworks in red, white and blue that shaped into the holy flag of the United States, and it was the most beautiful thing that everyone had ever seen. Naturally the evil Caillou hissed and hated, his eyes burning in the blindness of one's korean thoughts, and Steve Rogers saw the opportunity to strike. So he drew forth all the energy released in the bullets and focused it on himself. The air glowed in the american colours and he went through a transformation sequence, his body getting naked but the camera panning to his limbs. First his hands glowed and there were new gloves on them, then his feet got new boots, and finally he was upgraded into a brand new american uniform with more accessories. Now he was Super Captain Amurica.

"Caillou, your sins against America have branded you guilty" shouted Super Captain Amurica, a gospel chorus filling the air, "In name of the Constitution, prepare to face oblivion!"

Caillou growled, he knew he was wrong but he couldn't accept, so he punched his fists full of communist hellfire towards Steve Rogers. But Super Capatain America's heart was full of righteousness and compassion, so he dodged every hit. The former canadian boy turned asian got anger and more anger, he kept punching for HOURS, but every time he missed, because his heart was evil and corrupted. All the pain, all the darkness, all the turmoil: they destroyed his focus, so he kept going without never winning, until he eventually wasted all his energy and stopped his super-sayian mode. Now was the chance, and Super Captain America focused all the holy energy of his nation through his right fist, igniting it in blinding red, white and blue holy fire.

"In name of the Constitution, I Take. You. DOWN!" shouted Super Captain America, preparing to punch.

"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Caillou sadly, but it was too late.

Suer Captain America, then unleashed all his power, and in a second an energy far greater than all stars in the universe was released, focused entirely on Caillou. In the fraction of a millisecond, the evil little boy was broken down to the atomic level, the photons and electrons in his body exploding in righteous fervor. And so he was completely erased from existence: no body, no ashes, no soul. Nothing to ever remind the universe that Caillou the evil asian child ever existed, other than the devastation of the Fallen. And soon, not even that remained:

"In name of the presidentx may all sins be forgiven!" shouted Super Captain America, "For truth, justice and the american way!"

And so Steve Rogers focused the remainder of that power to create another Big Bang, and the universe was reset to new. Korea and all of Asia ceased to exist all together, and the people massacred by their odious hatred came back to life again. America was restored, and balance was maintained.

"You saved us once again, Captain America!" shouted the people happily, thankful to their most righteous holy crusader.

And they all thanked, bowing to their hero, the most amazing Steve Rigers. And in the sky shone a holy light, and Sunfire, the victim of Caillous evil efforts, was restored to life, now completely cleaned of the korean impurity in a pure aryan glory.

"You did it!" he congratulationed, his voice free and flowing in a southern accent.

And so he flew down to Steven Rogers and held his hands in a most brotherly and friendshiply way, and they went down to the festivities. Yes, it was the most amazing Fourth of July ever, and everyone praised the mighty hero Super Capatain America, except Tony Stark because he was jealous and fascist and unamerican, so he was lynched. In the sky George Washington appeared one final time, and he fired his gun and the skies were set abalze with celebration.

And nothing could ever be more amazing. 


End file.
